| Mar. 13th, 2010 @ 01:49 am FFFfffffffff.......memeness |
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Hello? Hehe, not sure what to post right now, I just felt like I should post something. Mostly just because I feel lonely and need someone to talk to and since that's not available, I'll post to nobody! :)
I do that a lot on the IRC chatroom I hang out in every night. Myself and about 20 co-workers and ex-workers and other people we've all met over the years hang out in a chat room every day to post our thoughts and ramblings for anyone to respond to.
Since I got my webcam I'm wondering if I should post these thoughts to youtube, heh. I'm not sure how articulately I could reproduce my thoughts in video. Also, the last time I experimented with a youtube video, I didn't really like it because my facial expressions were so exaggerated, and my eye-expressions showed so many wrinkles and ya... I shouldn't even worrying about that sort of stuff, hehe. But as a youtube fan I know I would get so many haters commenting on those things if I posted that video and if anyone actually viewed it, hehe.
The internet is a harsh place nowadays. The girl that posted the Amber Lamps video is getting TONS of death threats on her youtube channel. WTF is up with that?! damn I should stop typing now, hehe, the web just pisses me off too much sometimes :).
It's the weekend, I should be happy for that, hehe.
I should be happy for Amanda and all that she does to help raise the children despite my shortcomings and horrible outlook on things. I appreciate it so much and feel so guilty about it, and I feel SO sad about the relationships I have with my children right now that I just really don't know what to do about it, so mostly I just go into LIMBO mode which sucks and makes me feel more guilty about my lack of parenting skills.
I want to just say, "Ok, i suck as a parent, I don't like kids, other people do, I don't, I'm selfish," and have other people say, "I respect and understand your feelings" but I don't think that's how it will happen if I do that, heh.
Unfortunately I'm at a point where I'm willing to accept that many people will hate me and view me to be a monster for rejecting my family, and that also makes me really sad, bitter, and angry that I'm willing to accept that! Again, the limbo feeling makes it easier to see this. But I haven't yet, obviously since I'm still here :).
i would like to claim that all the anger around me from others has made me feel this way, but I feel that no one else can control how I feel, which is a nice theory. truely no one else can MAKE you feel the way you do, but their actions DO have an impact on your physiological responses that you may not be able to control easily.
With that said, I'm going to sleep. I am tired, drunk, ranting, and basically just trying to expose all my feelings in this post. This post should be looked at from a THIRD PERSON point of view. If you can't do that, don't comment ;). well, comment if you want, just know that biased comments will be ignored (see how I have a pro-active defense mechanism because of the people I live with and they way they communicate??!)
'night :) *hugs* |
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